Losing and Gaining Weight

I have always been thin my whole life. From the moment I was born, until now when I hit 25 years old. I am used to with resizing my clothes because the normal size they sell does not fit me, used to with people grabbing my wrist and measure it with their fingers, used to with people laying their head on my shoulders and regretting it later because they are not pillowy. However, being thin does not always feel fine.

My usual weight was around 42-43 kg and it stayed like that for years since I entered high school, until the beginning of 2016, where I suffered from severe digestion problem and I had to be hospitalized for a few days. My weight dropped to around 38 kg. In that year, I was also obliged to finish my thesis, and when I was writing it, I tended to skip meals, and even when I did eat, I would eat reaaallllly slowly because I prefer writing to eating (lesson learned: I should not multitask between eating and writing). Thus, it did not help me in gaining weight.

And then came 2017, which was quite rough for me. My weight dropped again, to 35 kg. Shoot, I was even thinner than when I was in middle school! People kept calling me too thin, even though I already knew without them having to say it out loud. The words were said by my friends, family, neighbors, co-workers, basically everyone. What bugged me was how even the ones I met practically every day kept being hysterical at how skinny I was, as if we had not met for a long time. 

It was the most frustrating time of my life. I was so devastated that I broke down and cried. I cried because I was too lanky and people seemed to hate my body. People kept mentioning my thin body to the point that it hurt, I could not even see it as a form of sympathy or care anymore. It was simply irritating. Then I, rather subconsciously, developed a new habit (which I highly encourage none of you to follow it, and this part here, I have never told anyone before). I started to check if other girls around me were as thin as I was. Every time I saw girls, I took a glance at their wrists. And if the girls were wearing short-sleeved shirts, I would look at their upper arms. I had this urge to compare the size of those body parts of theirs to mine, I wanted to see if any of them had small wrists and arms like me. Another thing, if the girls were wearing off-shoulder tops, or something quite low on the chest, I would check whether their shoulder and chest bones were protruding, because mine were. Why did I do such pathetic thing? Because I badly needed assurance. Because basically no one told me I was healthy, no one said my body was okay, so I had to assure myself, in an unhealthy way.

The Turning Point

Gratefully, I have friends who are doctors and nutritionists. I told my problem and asked for their suggestions, and they suggested me to not only eat more, but also exercise more, so the fats would turn into muscles. Also, the amazing nutritionist friend of mine listed down my supposed daily calorie intake and converted it to a daily menu. She also advised me to keep munching on snacks, like biscuits, even when I was not hungry. Biscuits may look small and not fulfilling, but trust me, at that time, eating biscuits was burdensome. And also, because I had poor appetite, I had to watch someone else eating or cooking to persuade me into enjoying my meals, and Youtube was the best choice.

I moved to a new job in September 2017, which was in a city different from the first one, with completely different environment and working hour. Since then, I gradually gained weight. However, I did not check my weight frequently, because I had read somewhere that when you are dieting, either to lose or gain weight, it would be better to not monitor your weight all the time, because it will depress you when it does not meet your expectation.

Things started to remarkably change when I moved to another job in early 2018, which is my current job. My job required me to do some kind of training for new employees and we were put in a dorm. There, for a month, we had a constant schedule like this: we woke up at 5 in the morning and did exercise for an hour (it was a real exercise with real sweats), had breakfast at half past 6, entered class at 8, had coffee break at 10, lunch at 12, another coffee break at 3, and dinner at half past 6 in the evening. I did that for one whole month, and of course I gained more weight. I guess it was not only because of the food, but also because of the exercises. Now after finishing the training period, I try to continue the habit. I try to eat more, to have snacks on my desk and actually consume them, and to keep fit by taking weekly yoga and aerobics classes. 

I am still thin, my weight still has not met the ideal category, but I feel better about my body. I do not check on other girls’ body size anymore. By the time I am writing this, I am at my heaviest and hopefully, healthiest. Too bad there are still people out there who discredit my weight gain by saying that I have not gained enough. Please, I have gained 10 kg in just one year, which has never happened to me before! It was one of the biggest battles I have won over myself and you don’t know how struggling I was. But, well, let people be people. Humans can never be satisfied, can we?

P.S. I want to thank everyone who was actually concerned about my health, I appreciate it. I am sorry I have to say that, at some point in my life, thin-shaming did hurt me. Let this be a lesson for all of us to be more careful of our words, for we don’t know how others might feel.